Man of Random Science: Future Shock

After the huge success of last week's post about my top 5 science moments of 2014, I figured while any shlub can look backwards, it takes a man of vision, a man of courage, indeed, a man of SCIENCE to look forward into the murky mists of the near-future and bring you the Top 5 Science Thingies of 2015. 

5. Unexpected Discoveries for New Horizons: Just beyond the orbit of our long-lost ninth planet, New Horizons will discover a curious gravitational anomaly. On the say-so of famous physicist, Stephen Hawking, it will be declared a wormhole and immediately Matthew McConaughey will be sent through it. While no real science will be achieved, everyone involved will agree it creates a nice visual spectacle.

The spacecraft utilized will be a slightly modified Lincoln Navigator.

4. Vaccines Cause Everything: Medical science will be turned upon it's head as it is discovered that vaccines are responsible for fatally weakened immune systems, autism, asthma, male-pattern baldness, communism, the polar vortex, and the cancelling of Firefly. Unfortunately this information will be heeded too late and the majority of the world's vaccinated population will be wiped out by a virulent strain of gonnosyphilerpemeningococcalaids. The survivors will gather in somber yet smug celebration only to be decimated by tetanus infection caused by bad quinoa.

She was the sole voice of reason.

3. Stephen Hawking is a Fraud: After the wormhole debacle beyond Pluto, it will be revealed that esteemed physicist Stephen Hawking is actually comedian Andy Kaufman, who successfully faked his death in 1984 for the sole purpose of perpetuating the most obtuse and long-running joke in history. Furthermore, the physics world will be rocked again as it is revealed the entire concept of a "black hole" is just an obscure butt joke.

2. The Vantablack Affair: Shortly after the New Year, the miraculous new material "Vantablack" (mentioned in Dazzling Don's last video) will indeed be used to make clothing. It will be a huge hit among the nation's disaffected youth subcultures. However, not realizing the dangers of absorbing nearly 100% of all available light energy, the first sunny day of Spring will cause massive spontaneous combustion events. Not a Hot Topic will be left standing.

AND FINALLY.......

1. HOVERBOARDS: Yup, hoverboards. It's finally time. Hover. F-ing. Boards. The revolution started in 2014 with the magnetic model, and the invisible hand of the market just took over from there. Who cares about a post-vaccine wasteland full of burning goth kids when we finally have the hoverboard the prophecies foresaw back in the dark ages of 1989? Nobody, that's who. And no one even minds we all have to dress like this.....

Classy.